[Everyone] Re: COMPULSARY: Very important message to all associates

Russell Russell
Wed Feb 9 15:32:29 GMT 2011

Shit Phil, it looks like your email (v inspiring btw - not sure about the oil stuff, didn't know we did that) has been wikileaked by someone. Probably that Julian Andsandy. Might want to get onto IT and get them to get it back from the internet


-----Original Message-----
From: Phil 
Date: Wed, 9 Feb 2011 14:53:09 
To: Everyone in the office
Reply-To: Everyone in the office 
Subject: [Everyone] COMPULSARY: Very important message to all associates

Hi all,

Lothar has asked me to personally write this message to everyone personally. It is compulsary that you read it as it is Very Important.

I want to tell you a story about an oil rig. And more particularly, about one man on that oil rig, who we shall call Sebastian. Sebastian worked hard on the oil rig and gave his all to the company that was rigging for oil to power all the cars and personal jets that the rest of the world relied upon. It was, in a sense, like Sebastian was himself pedalling all the cars, if the cars had pedals.

One day, while Sebastian was working very, very hard at rigging, the oil rig burst into flame and all the oil started burning and Sebastian was faced with a choice: jump into the icy waters below and risk drowning and hypathermia and ruining his new TAG Heuer Grand Carrera if he should sink below 100 meters or stay on board and keep on working as long as he could but risking a painful and fiery death.

That was the choice he made. To keep on rigging the oil until the flames gulfed him no matter that all his fellow oil rig associates were leaving in the lifeboats. Sebastian stuck at his job to the bitter end, looking down on the lifeboaters as they sailed away on the stormy seas but also, kind of metaphorically also looking down on them in a metaphorical way because they were beneath him in more than one sense. Sebastian rigged more oil until the flames burned his rugged worker's hands and face and turned his clothes to crisps and charred his flesh like well-done barbecued rib eyed steak and completely ruined his Grand Carrera which while an awesome watch in every other way was not protected against fire.

We are all, in a sense, Sebastian on that burning oil rig with his Grand Carrera melting into his bubbling flesh. These have been difficult times for Pretend. I'm sure you all know several people who we've had to diminish over the past six months, and even more who you think should be diminished (please send me their names as we're always looking for more opportunities in this arena).

The biggest problem, as I'm sure those of you who earn more than £100K pa are fully aware, is that our competitors have been doing better than us recently. Many of them have been doing amazing things and some have only been doing pretty good things. Most of all, apparently the competitors who have been our biggest competitors are making more money than we are. 

Our products, despite being the most expensive and cheaply made in the field that we're in, have proved disappointing sellers in almost every marketplace that our marketing people have disbursed them too. This has, I'm sure I'm not alone in saying, come as an enormous surprise to all of us, not least those in Visioning, where we have, of course, seen this situation approaching several days ahead of the rest of you.

While we stand on the oil rig (our office) and continue to rig oil (innovate new ideation) while the flames (our competitors) flame all around our crackling, blackening skin and popping eyeballs and crumbling bones and exploding pacemakers (Derek, that's you, ha ha!) we are in a war and we're sinking fast.

We're at war with our competitors at the high end of the market who are making more money than us and those at the low end who are selling more products and making more money than us. In the middle we have all our competitors in the middle who are also making more money than us. Our share of market is dwindling from its traditionally efficient base and we're suffering more returns of the products we deliver than ever before.

How did we get to this point? Why did we fall behind when the world around us evolved?

Evolution, just like the flames on Sebastian's oil rig, has taken us by surprise. We are, in a way, like crazy American Creationists who are surprised when they discover their parents are monkeys. 

We have lacked many things in the past, too many to list here, and too many people are to blame that we won't mention. We now have nothing to lose and should take this moment as a great opportunity. Just as Sebastian, while all his fellow associates jumped into lifeboats, carried on oil rigging, we must carry on ideationing. This is our chance to show the others wrong, and develop yet another new strategy while the oil rig burns and we keep rigging that all important oil, the oil that differentiates our products and innovations from all the others in the market that we're in.

This is our moment. Grip this opportunity with both of your burning hands and take it, and we shall triumph, just as Sebastian soared into the bright blue sky among the oily black smoke and the oil rig tumbled into the freezing North Sea.

Would all associates with a B in their name please report to HR before the end of the day. 


Phil BA(Hons)
VVP of Visioning Management and Corporate Resourcing
tel: +44 (0)20 7946 0372
mob(ile): +44 (0)7700 900837

"If you really want something you can figure out how to make it happen." Cher

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