[Everyone] Re: COMPULSARY: Very important message to all associates

Wed Feb 9 15:11:17 GMT 2011

Pls edit mate

-----Original Message-----
 On Behalf Of Phil
Sent: 09 February 2011 14:53
To: Everyone in the office
Subject: [Everyone] COMPULSARY: Very important message to all associates

Hi all,

Lothar has asked me to personally write this message to everyone personally.
It is compulsary that you read it as it is Very Important.

I want to tell you a story about an oil rig. And more particularly, about
one man on that oil rig, who we shall call Sebastian. Sebastian worked hard
on the oil rig and gave his all to the company that was rigging for oil to
power all the cars and personal jets that the rest of the world relied upon.
It was, in a sense, like Sebastian was himself pedalling all the cars, if
the cars had pedals.

One day, while Sebastian was working very, very hard at rigging, the oil rig
burst into flame and all the oil started burning and Sebastian was faced
with a choice: jump into the icy waters below and risk drowning and
hypathermia and ruining his new TAG Heuer Grand Carrera if he should sink
below 100 meters or stay on board and keep on working as long as he could
but risking a painful and fiery death.

That was the choice he made. To keep on rigging the oil until the flames
gulfed him no matter that all his fellow oil rig associates were leaving in
the lifeboats. Sebastian stuck at his job to the bitter end, looking down on
the lifeboaters as they sailed away on the stormy seas but also, kind of
metaphorically also looking down on them in a metaphorical way because they
were beneath him in more than one sense. Sebastian rigged more oil until the
flames burned his rugged worker's hands and face and turned his clothes to
crisps and charred his flesh like well-done barbecued rib eyed steak and
completely ruined his Grand Carrera which while an awesome watch in every
other way was not protected against fire.

We are all, in a sense, Sebastian on that burning oil rig with his Grand
Carrera melting into his bubbling flesh. These have been difficult times for
Pretend. I'm sure you all know several people who we've had to diminish over
the past six months, and even more who you think should be diminished
(please send me their names as we're always looking for more opportunities
in this arena).

The biggest problem, as I'm sure those of you who earn more than £100K pa
are fully aware, is that our competitors have been doing better than us
recently. Many of them have been doing amazing things and some have only
been doing pretty good things. Most of all, apparently the competitors who
have been our biggest competitors are making more money than we are. 

Our products, despite being the most expensive and cheaply made in the field
that we're in, have proved disappointing sellers in almost every marketplace
that our marketing people have disbursed them too. This has, I'm sure I'm
not alone in saying, come as an enormous surprise to all of us, not least
those in Visioning, where we have, of course, seen this situation
approaching several days ahead of the rest of you.

While we stand on the oil rig (our office) and continue to rig oil (innovate
new ideation) while the flames (our competitors) flame all around our
crackling, blackening skin and popping eyeballs and crumbling bones and
exploding pacemakers (Derek, that's you, ha ha!) we are in a war and we're
sinking fast.

We're at war with our competitors at the high end of the market who are
making more money than us and those at the low end who are selling more
products and making more money than us. In the middle we have all our
competitors in the middle who are also making more money than us. Our share
of market is dwindling from its traditionally efficient base and we're
suffering more returns of the products we deliver than ever before.

How did we get to this point? Why did we fall behind when the world around
us evolved?

Evolution, just like the flames on Sebastian's oil rig, has taken us by
surprise. We are, in a way, like crazy American Creationists who are
surprised when they discover their parents are monkeys. 

We have lacked many things in the past, too many to list here, and too many
people are to blame that we won't mention. We now have nothing to lose and
should take this moment as a great opportunity. Just as Sebastian, while all
his fellow associates jumped into lifeboats, carried on oil rigging, we must
carry on ideationing. This is our chance to show the others wrong, and
develop yet another new strategy while the oil rig burns and we keep rigging
that all important oil, the oil that differentiates our products and
innovations from all the others in the market that we're in.

This is our moment. Grip this opportunity with both of your burning hands
and take it, and we shall triumph, just as Sebastian soared into the bright
blue sky among the oily black smoke and the oil rig tumbled into the
freezing North Sea.

Would all associates with a B in their name please report to HR before the
end of the day. 


Phil BA(Hons)
VVP of Visioning Management and Corporate Resourcing
tel: +44 (0)20 7946 0372
mob(ile): +44 (0)7700 900837

"If you really want something you can figure out how to make it happen."

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