[Everyone] New Org map

James W.
Wed Mar 17 11:03:42 GMT 2010

While the rest of you have been at a dull conference in America, it seems, I've been at SxSW3 (South by SW3) in glamorous Earl's Court--that's in London--talking about the future of games and interactive media, and its relevance to enhanced best-practice in the workplace. 

After consultation with Phil and a phone-based interaction with Lothar, it has been agreed that Pretend (UK--south-east) will be the flagship in a dazzling new innovation in the field of company structuring and employee motivation, based on what I learned at SxSW3. 

At present, as you all know, Pretend staff are organised and pay-graded by levels. Our innovation is to link those levels to proveable experience in the field, in the form of Experience Points (XP). In future Pretend employees will accrue XP in the course of doing their day-to-day jobs, and will use these XP to increase their Level. 

Take, for example, a level-4 Procedures Analyst. By completing tasks (successfully analysing difficult procedures, handing in timesheets, etc.) they will accrue Experience Points. Once they have gathered enough Points--in this case 18000--they will 'level up' to Level 5 and will gain new abilities. Specifically in this case they will:

* be able to lead a team of between five and ten (d6+4) henchmen. 'Henchmen' include Pretend employees of any level below our notional Procedures Analyst, as well as external contractors and consultants.
* gain the abilities 'grant overtime' and 'fire employee 2' 
* be able to issue level 5 purchase orders
* gain access to level 5 tubes and may enter the rooftop level.
* be able to wield magic crossbows (nb check notes before sending)

In addition their salary will increase commensurate with their new level, and their Holiday Passdays (HP) will go up by two. 

Experience Points can be earned by (this is a sample list, and should not be treated as canonical or exhaustive):
+1 Swiping into the office at least fifteen minutes before the start of your working day.
+5 Handing in monthly timesheets before deadline
+20 Every unspent HP you have at the end of the year
+50 Successful new business relationship (class N or better)
+50 Speaking at an approved conference (see list on intranet)
+100 Recruiting a new member of staff to Pretend
+150 Getting a 'Pretend Cheer' at Crackerjack
+200 Successful new business relationship (class K or better)
+1000 Prevent class-action lawsuit against Pretend Office or its subsidiaries.

From time to time anyone of level 12 or higher may declare an XP bounty on a particular matter, such as 'Explain and remove smell on Floor D--100 XP'. Watch your email for notification of these special bounties.

As part of the new system, performing certain  actions in a Pretend context will also grant Achievements. For example, spending at least £5 in Jamie Oliver every day for a month gains you the 'All the Pies' Achievement. Achievements will be auto-reported in the Pretend Achievements email list, to which you have been automatically subscribed. Achievements carry no XP or monetary rewards. 

XP and Achievements are neither retro-active nor backdated.

Further details specific to your current class and level will be circulated to you in a confidential email, along with a revised edition of the Pretend Employees Handbook and two blank 'employee sheets' on which you must detail your current class and abilities. Have your line manager sign them both, return one to HR and keep the other for your records.

Please note that under normal situations Experience Points cannot be removed from you. However you may lose XP and even levels in the following extraordinary circumstances:

1. Reassignment to a new class or office.
2. Disciplinary matters
3. Attacks by certain undead or extra-planar beings

The new system will come into operation on the first day of next month. A consultancy team from Games Workshop will be on site for the whole of April to ease the transition and deal with any issues that arise. Thereafter all conflicts and rules discussions will be arbitrated by the Demarcation Manager (DM). The DM will be based in sub-level 4, just as soon as the last of the floodwater has been pumped out, the walls have dried, and the infestation of rats has been cleared. You can help with the speedy implementation of this process: there is a +3XP bonus for every rat corpse presented to the DM, effective immediately.

I hope you'll join with me, in my role as the new Pretend Office DM, in giving this new era in Pretend Management and Hierarchical Implementation a rousing "WOW" of welcome. Onwards! And upwards! 

[Attachment: Map of Org.jpg]

James W.
Demarcation Manager, level ???
Pretend Office (UK--south east)
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

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