[Everyone] Re: ATTN: STOP SPENDING MONEY IMMEDIATELY
Thu Mar 4 11:00:31 GMT 2010
Sophie from accounts is crying in the Level 3 toilets. Apparently
there's an invoice from Client-Faced Reversioning that says "THIS
INVOICE MUST BE PAID IMMEDIATELY OR ALL ACCOUNTS STAFF WILL LOSE
FLAPPERJACK PRIVILEGES FOR THREE MONTHS", which clashes a bit with
your "DO NOT SPEND ANY MONEY" email from the same Outlook Express.
Perhaps you could pop down there and lend her a couple of thousand
from your own personal account (assuming it hasn't been contaminated).
Oddly, I've just been back to look in the Catering Docking bay skip
and all the money I tipped in there has gone.
Client-Vision Liaison Officer (Solutions)
On 4 March 2010 10:19, James W. wrote:
> Dear All,
> DO NOT SPEND OR ACCEPT ANY MONEY THERE IS A VERY BAD PROBLEM. READ THIS IT
> IS IMPORTANT.
> Following February's much-welcomed devolution of payroll-regulatory powers
> to individual members of staff, it seems a loophole has been opened in the
> 'ring of fire' that protects our accounting software. Therefore all money
> you have recently received from Pretend Office, or that you may have used
> to pay invoices, may have been infected by a virus.
> A payment request from my department (a large but entirely above-board
> transaction to the widow of the former dictator of Nigeria) has just been
> returned from Accounts, with the information that it could not be
> processed because it was an 'Ultra Vires'.
> I have done the Googles and I have learned this is the proper word for the
> plural of viruses, and describes a new type of computer 'hack' that
> affects financial things, including software. It is so new that Macavity's
> Antivirus cannot catch it. The 'Ultra' means it is a particularly bad
> plural of Vires, and highly contagious.
> Effective immediately we must assume that all money or monies that has
> entered or exited Pretend Office since the revised financial and payroll
> regime was begun is potentially infected with the Ultra Vires.
> I have instructed IT to liaise with Finance to scan all bank accounts and
> petty-cash holdings, and to notify everyone as soon as the money has been
> cured. Meanwhile all potentially infected money will be shifted to a 'safe
> zone' in the safe in Lothar's office. The first Group 4 van will arrive
> from the bank within an hour: please clear a path for them to bring the
> money up via Momobot (formerly Lift 4A).
> In the interim please inform clients and suppliers that our cashflow may
> be polluted, and take personal precautions accordingly. All floors should
> still have their bird-flu prevention kits. Use those.
> (I believe the canteen swipe-cards are unaffected as long as you switched
> your balance into Pretend Dollars last year.)
> James W.
> VP client-faced reversioning EMEA
> Pretend Office PLC
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