[Everyone] Re: ATTN: STOP SPENDING MONEY IMMEDIATELY

Giles
Thu Mar 4 10:25:09 GMT 2010


Thank you for this URGUENT ALERT James. I shall take remedial steps
immediately. I have just now thrown all the money that was in my
wallet into the skip behind the Catering Docking Bay. My wallet still
feels a bit itchy, though. Should I contact a doctor, or my bank, or
someone in IT SUPPORT?

Kind regards

Giles
Client-Vision Liaison Officer (Solutions)



On 4 March 2010 10:19, James W.  wrote:
> Dear All,
>
> DO NOT SPEND OR ACCEPT ANY MONEY THERE IS A VERY BAD PROBLEM. READ THIS IT
> IS IMPORTANT.
>
> Following February's much-welcomed devolution of payroll-regulatory powers
> to individual members of staff, it seems a loophole has been opened in the
> 'ring of fire' that protects our accounting software. Therefore all money
> you have recently received from Pretend Office, or that you may have used
> to pay invoices, may have been infected by a virus.
>
> A payment request from my department (a large but entirely above-board
> transaction to the widow of the former dictator of Nigeria) has just been
> returned from Accounts, with the information that it could not be
> processed because it was an 'Ultra Vires'.
>
> I have done the Googles and I have learned this is the proper word for the
> plural of viruses, and describes a new type of computer 'hack' that
> affects financial things, including software. It is so new that Macavity's
> Antivirus cannot catch it. The 'Ultra' means it is a particularly bad
> plural of Vires, and highly contagious.
>
> Effective immediately we must assume that all money or monies that has
> entered or exited Pretend Office since the revised financial and payroll
> regime was begun is potentially infected with the Ultra Vires.
>
> I have instructed IT to liaise with Finance to scan all bank accounts and
> petty-cash holdings, and to notify everyone as soon as the money has been
> cured. Meanwhile all potentially infected money will be shifted to a 'safe
> zone' in the safe in Lothar's office. The first Group 4 van will arrive
> from the bank within an hour: please clear a path for them to bring the
> money up via Momobot (formerly Lift 4A).
>
> In the interim please inform clients and suppliers that our cashflow may
> be polluted, and take personal precautions accordingly. All floors should
> still have their bird-flu prevention kits. Use those.
>
> (I believe the canteen swipe-cards are unaffected as long as you switched
> your balance into Pretend Dollars last year.)
>
> Best,
>
> James W.
> VP client-faced reversioning EMEA
> Pretend Office PLC
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