[Everyone] ATTN: STOP SPENDING MONEY IMMEDIATELY
Thu Mar 4 10:19:38 GMT 2010
DO NOT SPEND OR ACCEPT ANY MONEY THERE IS A VERY BAD PROBLEM. READ THIS IT
Following February's much-welcomed devolution of payroll-regulatory powers
to individual members of staff, it seems a loophole has been opened in the
'ring of fire' that protects our accounting software. Therefore all money
you have recently received from Pretend Office, or that you may have used
to pay invoices, may have been infected by a virus.
A payment request from my department (a large but entirely above-board
transaction to the widow of the former dictator of Nigeria) has just been
returned from Accounts, with the information that it could not be
processed because it was an 'Ultra Vires'.
I have done the Googles and I have learned this is the proper word for the
plural of viruses, and describes a new type of computer 'hack' that
affects financial things, including software. It is so new that Macavity's
Antivirus cannot catch it. The 'Ultra' means it is a particularly bad
plural of Vires, and highly contagious.
Effective immediately we must assume that all money or monies that has
entered or exited Pretend Office since the revised financial and payroll
regime was begun is potentially infected with the Ultra Vires.
I have instructed IT to liaise with Finance to scan all bank accounts and
petty-cash holdings, and to notify everyone as soon as the money has been
cured. Meanwhile all potentially infected money will be shifted to a 'safe
zone' in the safe in Lothar's office. The first Group 4 van will arrive
from the bank within an hour: please clear a path for them to bring the
money up via Momobot (formerly Lift 4A).
In the interim please inform clients and suppliers that our cashflow may
be polluted, and take personal precautions accordingly. All floors should
still have their bird-flu prevention kits. Use those.
(I believe the canteen swipe-cards are unaffected as long as you switched
your balance into Pretend Dollars last year.)
VP client-faced reversioning EMEA
Pretend Office PLC
More information about the Everyone