[Everyone] Re: Friday swapday
Matt P
Fri Jun 12 13:44:23 GMT 2009
On 12 Jun 2009, at 11:09, Phil wrote:
> In keeping with my temporary role I will be organising some kind of
> Marxist hippy union yoga retreat at lunchtime if anyone who brought
> their sandals in would like to join me eating lettuce and museli
> before protesting the plight of "workers" worldwide and singing some
> tiresome old dirge about togetherness and striving for a better land
> and equality for all.
Glad to hear you're getting into the spirit Phil, though I will need
those figures by 2.45pm.
> Right, back to the sitting around moaning about how awful the world
> is rather than getting on and doing something about it.
Ah, Phil, how you misunderstand us. Why, during our period of work-to-
rule telex-only isolation Quentin and I were not only about to
critique the state of the world, and the state of the company, without
the constant interruption of email we were able to nearly quintuple
our productivity as well as open new markets across Indonesia, Sub-
Saharan Africa and Russia. Not only that, but we held a wide-ranging
review of Pretend's own structures and identified many areas of
inefficiency, waste, and worker oppression.
As a result of that, I'm proud to announce wide-ranging reforms,
effective immediately, which will transform Pretend into a 21st
century powerhouse about which we can not only say 'almost certainly
among the best companies in the field that it's in', but that we are
'redistributing our way to the top' and 'united behind our glorious
products and services', not to mention 'ushering in a new dawn of
competence and prosperity through effectively utilising the human
resources gathered under our banner'.
Essentially, if you're reading this and are above grade 2, but below
VP, you're fired. For too long have the bourgeois middle management
held this company back from acheiving its true potential! Together
we're going to beat the world! Except those of you who've been fired
of course.
Ben, we're making a special exception for you. Karel, newly appointed
Commissar of Move/Change, will be collecting you specially. We're
opening a new facility in Siberia and have promoted you to take sole
charge.
Everyone who's affected, you'll be escorted from your building by one
of our Move/Change operatives.
All the best, Comrades.
Matt
PS Cat, you were right. This IS fun!
--
Matt P
SVP EMEA
http//:www.pretendoffice.co.uk
tel/mobile: redacted, you're clearly NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH
"You may not be interested in strategy, but strategy is interested in
you." Leon Trotsky
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