[Everyone] Fire

Thu Mar 29 23:27:47 GMT 2012

Our dear staff,

You may have already heard the sad news by now that there was a fire today
in the Crackerjack store and much of the equipment, props and memorabilia
has been lost. Most of this cannot be replaced. For this reason Crackerjack
has been cancelled tomorrow.

We believe the fire was started by Joseph from Level 1 who we think locked
himself in the store to play with matches. He is now dead.

Joseph’s parents are clearly very upset but we have reassured them that we
won’t be holding them responsible in any way and will not press charges.

As a result of this incident we have had an emergency ‘meeting of minds’ to
reevaluate our Health and Safety policy on fire:

1. All mute members of staff like Joseph must wear a cow bell around their
necks so that in the event of being locked in a room which is on fire they
can attract attention to the situation enabling us to minimise the extent
of damage to equipment.

2. All mute members of staff should  carry a flash torch in case their bell
ringing is not heard by one of our ‘Deaf Ears’ staff.

3. All flames are banned.

4. The Crackerjack Hookah Festival organised by the Dirty Hoe Gardening
Club is cancelled. Any Dirty Hoe found sucking on a Hookah will be banned
from attending Crackerjack for one year.

Furthermore, we will be interviewing next week to replace Joseph to
readdress the balance of special needs in our work force. In the meantime
you shouldn’t notice any change in productivity (we all know Joseph did
Jack Shit for four years. In fact he had so much negative energy we may
actually now see a surge in productivity).
We’ve decided to bury Joseph in the rose garden on Tuesday in the hope that
some roses may finally start growing there. Would our Dirty Hoes please
volunteer to dig a hole for him this weekend, in your own time to avoid
profiting from Joseph’s death.
Thank you. Back to work now please.
Paul Risk
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