[Everyone] Re: Auditions Friday

[Paul]

Thanks for your understanding Cat.

I have an opening for four small parts. I look forward to receiving your boys tomorrow.

Regards

Paul SIDWISE

 

 

From:   On Behalf Of Cat
Sent: 11 February 2010 18:01
To: Everyone in the office
Subject: [Everyone] Re: Auditions Friday

 

Paul,

 

I do understand that you're a true thespianism and therefore the pressures of putting on a top rated hit wonder to follow the sell out office-wide tour that was 'The Unmentionable Dialogues' are bearing down weightily on you. Therefore I've taken the liberty of sending along my boys Marco, Pavel, Hans and Gunnar to help you with the auditions and direct your attention towards those truly deserving of parts in your play.

 

And breathe....

 

Cat

Head of security

 

  _____  

From: Paul 
To: Everyone in the office 
Sent: Thu, February 11, 2010 5:35:27 PM
Subject: [Everyone] Re: Auditions Friday

Cat,

 

Yes, I am aware of your performance last year. Unfortunately I was only seventeen at the time so was banned from seeing it. Having read my script I’m sure you noticed that ‘Carry On Up The Doctor’ isn’t that sort of play.

 

Thank you for your notes. I’m not sure you appreciate that I spent two nights writing the script and read through it twice before publishing it. You have quite clearly missed the nuances.

 

For example:

 

Shouting ‘It’s behind you’ reinforces the fact that the blind character Barbara Winsor – Castle  is standing in front of something. Repeatedly shouting it throughout the play reminds us that she is also deaf and the fact that it’s ‘behind her’, a phrase synonymous with homophobic jokes reminding us of Barbara Winsor – Castles past life as a gay man. 

 

Cat, if a deaf, blind, transgender (Italian) woman (man?) from Pretend Office fails to come forward for the role I will hold you personally responsible. 

 

Now if you don’t mind I’ll get back to preparing for the little matter of the auditions tomorrow.

 

Good day to you.

 

Paul SIDWISE 

 

 

From:   On Behalf Of Cat
Sent: 11 February 2010 10:13
To: Everyone in the office
Subject: [Everyone] Re: Auditions Friday

 

Paul,

 

Since I was the lead in last year's hit play I really don't see the need for me to audition. I'll just come along and take whichever of the main parts you'd like to give me OK? Oh and I have some notes on your script - the boys will be bringing them round to your pod later.

 

Thanks,

Cat

Security Chief inclusive of Phil's personal mug protection squad.

 


 

 

  _____  

From: Paul 
To: Everyone in the office 
Sent: Thu, February 11, 2010 9:46:31 AM
Subject: [Everyone] Re: Auditions Friday

All colleagues at Pretend Office,

 

It has been bought to my attention that some members of Pretend Office have felt offended by aspects of the casting procedure for ‘Carry On Up The Doctor’. For this reason we will no longer be using Dulux colour mixing charts as a guide for the required skin colours for each character. I would like to apologise wholeheartedly if any fence was taken.

 

It has been suggested that printing the National flags of countries next to the character descriptions will be a more politically correct approach. Please check the cast list today and look for a suitable part for your nationality. 

 

Please note that there are no parts for people with mixed parentage or people whose skin colour isn’t typical of their nationality. Also, it is not possible to audition for a part where your skin colour is more representative of a nationality other than your own. This is like blacking up or down and would be considered racist.

 

I look forward to meeting you all for auditions tomorrow. Please remember to bring proof of identity and place of birth.

 

Regards

Paul SIDWISE

 

 

 

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